A New Perspective

“Seeing pain through Jesus”

Tuesday, April 30, 2019 an evening that one might think… would live in trauma for years to come. Though this day will always hold a horrible memory it will never define me or keep me trapped in fear.

For anyone who has been through something similar 

please hear that you are stronger than you think.

Often times in talking with people I hear things like… why did this awful thing happen to me? I’m a good person I do x, y, z you fill in the blank, so why did this happen to me? Why couldn’t this have happened to someone else, that deserves it?

Thank God that He does not look at our lives and seek retribution saying ‘you did this and that wrong so therefore this is what you get’… I for one am abundantly grateful that I serve a munificent God that believes we are “worth far more than rubies”. Proverbs 31:10

“Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” 

1 Peter 1: 6-7

Growing up as a rebellious kid that got in trouble a small amount…. well actually quite often. I would receive a “lesson” (or punishment) for the things I did that I was not suppose to. Sometimes those punishments really really sucked. With that at my forefront I pray that I never have to see a life where God punishes us for each mistake. Letting us live a life where bad things only happen to us because we asked for them or deserved them… this would be a life without grace. I don’t even dare imagine that.

So often Christians pose the question of “Why me?” …. but how about this one “Why not you?” Is not the very essence of the question “Why me?” is this not us being selfish… saying we deserve a different life. But is not life itself…the very air in our lungs… not a blessing? One that others may no longer have. With each breathe, we get to decide how we are going to live our life, a relationship with the Creator or one with the world.

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

One single act of disobedience, of selfishness in thinking we knew better than God led to a world full of pain, destruction, and death. One single act of sin set the course but it is our choice how we run it. Our course will always be obstructed by sin but… we chose the path we take on the course. We chose the perspective we take for each obstacle…

            ….one could choose to blow through the obstacle, go over the obstacle, go around the obstacle, or simply stop dead in our tracks and let the obstacle keep us from living.

I truly believe that if we approach our obstacles (sin) with the perspective that God did not put it there. He simply allows for us to have free will to choose which path to run down… to allow us to choose how we approach each obstacle (sin) as we pass it on the journey of life. God allows us the ultimate choice for how our course is set.

“For your eyes saw my unformed body; all the day ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Psalm 139:16

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love”

Ephesians 1:4

He knew our entire story start to finish before we were even an idea to our ancestors. We are a mold of clay constantly being chiseled by either the world or by Jesus Christ. Whichever holds our chisel is who we will start to be molded into. God sent a carpenter down to Earth His one and only Son to be the bridge between us and Him. But God still desires for us to have free will so…. He still hands us the chisel…. And we get to decide whether we place them in the hands of the carpenter He sent just for us or if we will hand the chisel to sin, and the devil in disguise of the world to mold us.

Through learning to deal with the events of April 30, 2019 I have learned to look at things from a new perspective. When I was dealing with the after math of being bruised, and raped I could have said “Why me?”. I could have said I didn’t wear clothes to provoke it… I had been careful to not let guys I went on dates with know where I lived, I was not intoxicated alone with guys, I had done so many things right… We had been dating for 3 months and he’d never done anything close to something like that before, we’d hardly even kissed. I did everything I was supposed to… right?! …but one date night.. the night right before things would be forced to change for us because of distance, a few too many drinks were had on his part and my “no’s” no longer mattered. I can come up with all the things I did right and say “Why me?” and someone else can read this finding all the things I did wrong or should have done differently… and say “Why not you?” “You asked for” “You deserved it”, someone will always find a different perspective. 

But at the end of the day maybe it was never about me…

I lived in fear for months unable to sleep because every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face… when I went to work I was scared to go… for fear he might show up. Anger… at myself because I felt I had let this happen or should have been able to stop it. Anger at him for doing it. Anger at God for letting it happen. Brokenness… that something so precious was taken from me and I could never get it back. Fear for the future and what this could or would do to it. Depression… because all the other emotions…. Depression from being worried that I could not be loved the same because I was… somehow… tainted and unclean. Depression which unfortunately led to drinking to cope with it all.

I don’t say all of this to make anyone feel sorry for me, all of those emotions needed to happen. I needed them to happen so that I could see this traumatic experience through a new perspective. A perspective that maybe… just maybe… what happened was not really about me…

Rather God knew or knows something I don’t…

That this chapter of my story might help someone else, or maybe I needed to be molded with this chapter chiseled in for a purpose only He knows. Who really can say.

So maybe… just maybe… our “Why me’s?” should actually be “God how can you use this chapter, positive or negative, to bring myself and others closer to you?”

“I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”

Isaiah 43:1

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

Psalm 139:13

“Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. Whoever turns a sinner from the error of their way will save them from death and cover over a multitude of sins.”

James 5: 13,16,20

“For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle.”

Philippians 1: 29

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

Philippians 1:21

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To the Man that Took My Sense of Security

Part of me debated writing anything about this for a while.. I was ashamed wanting to keep any knowledge of this completely private. But decided we go through experiences good or bad for a reason, and sometimes they can help someone else if only we would share right or wrong; whether it goes with the opinions of the majority or the few.

——

To the man that took away my sense of security, you did not win.. and you will not. You took what you wanted from me and I was powerless to stop you. I wasn’t strong enough to fight you off or get away from you. You enjoyed your night of taking what you wanted and the next day moved on with your life. You spend 3 months getting close to me and investing time into me… all for what? At the end of the day when I said no you took what you wanted anyways. But you won’t win.. The doctors and the police may have said there wasn’t enough evidence when I finally worked up the courage to get looked at, but you still do not win because you can never take away my voice.

To the man that thinks he did nothing wrong by taking what he wanted without permission. Everyday I get up, and my feet hit the ground to start a new day with the knowledge that my heart will go on. Everyday I move forward with the knowledge that what happened has made me stronger. You may have taken my sense of security but it won’t last. One day I will lay down at night and not be scared, I will sleep without nightmares of what you took from me. ON that day you will not have won.  On the day that a man loves me with the knowledge that you took something so precious from me but loves me anyways you will most certainly have not won. Even if that is not my future ON the day that a girl hears these words and realizes she is stronger than she knows you will not have won.

At night when I go to sleep I may have nightmares of that night, and I may be scared when I am alone that it could happen again. I may be scared that you will pop back up in my life without warning just because you think you can, or because you deserve and explanation for why after 3 months I never spoke to you again, after what you said was “the best night of your life and a glimpse at our future.” I may be scared to let someone close to my heart or to even let someone touch me for fear it might hurt… But one day whether soon or months off.. I can promise you this

I will wake up and you will be a distant memory of what was, but what will not happen again. You showed me the signs that I have to look for now, but most of all because of you I have learned how to get back up when I have been knocked down, how to stand tall, and how to take on each new day with a new strength. A strength that constantly adapts to what didn’t work the day before. I wake up each day with the knowledge that it was not my fault.. no means no.. I may have to deal with emotional scars but lucky for me scars heal. One day that scar will heal but it will not be a reminder of the pain.. rather a reminder of who I am and who I have become. A reminder that I have the ability to forgive and that the lesson of forgiveness is something that can never be taken. A woman who will not let you control my life even after you were not in it, a woman who would not let fear stand in the way of taking a new step each and every day. A woman that looks in the mirror and does not see someone that was broken, or a woman that much was taken from, a woman ashamed and embarrassed about what happened. Rather a woman that has the strength to move forward, that knows that you have no control, and that your issues and your short comings are not mine, and I did not cause them. A woman that knows that I did not ask for happened but that it did happen. Though it is not okay in any possible sense for something like this to happen to someone, but that I know I have the ability to change the aftermath.

So.. to the man that thinks he took what he wanted from me.. you didn’t because I am growing stronger everyday.

 

To any female that knows what I am talking about.. know that no matter what your head tells you.. It is not your fault.. you are still beautiful. To the girl that closes her eyes at night and all you see is what happened… it will get better. You are strong enough to overcome it and you will! Let those that love you be there for you and don’t be ashamed. You never know the power of loving helping hand, or a shoulder to cry on until you try.

 

Lastly, to the people that say that women do this to themselves they put themselves in these situations and bring it upon themselves… be careful..

Because you never know if the woman you are talking to.. or a woman in earshot distance of you is struggling with the thought that it could possibly be her fault. She wasn’t drunk.. she wasn’t out with someone she didn’t know.. she didn’t just pick them up at bar or plan to have a one night stand.. she didn’t wear revealing clothes.. she in fact knew the person well.. it was someone she trusted.. Even in that situation the struggle of could I have done something different… was this my fault… still crosses her mind. So be careful because whether you believe that is true for every situation or not.. you never know who is listening and struggling with the shame and disappointment that it could possibly have been their fault.

Tattoo’s are like scars

I heard a quote recently that read:

“Tattoo’s are like scars that you wear on the outside to show the pain that’s on the inside.”

Being someone that has both tattoo’s and scars I’d never thought of it that way. My scars show the pain I’ve been through, the times I’ve suffered, but they also show the past… My tattoo’s though still showing the pain I believe show the present and the future..

Now, that might be a little strange so let me explain.

My scars some easy to see, some showing when I’m tan in the summer and being less noticeable when I’m not, some covered up by a tattoo or clothing, and some that have just disappeared. Each tell a story… a time in my life when I was broken and in need of healing. A time when the pain inside was just too much, a time when a brighter future just didn’t seem to be on the horizon. As irrational as it sounds sometimes the only way I dealt with my pain inside was to find a different source of pain one I was familiar with, and knew I could handle. Each whether easily seen or almost lost to the human eye tells a different story, each leaving it’s unique mark of the pain I felt inside once. Though this pain seems so unfamiliar and long ago, the scars remain..

I used to be ashamed of my scars always scared to tell someone where they really came from..or when they happened. People always looked at me differently and those who’d never seen something like it didn’t understand..so I felt guilty and ashamed that I couldn’t handle things like I felt I was meant to, I was embarrassed that I handled the pain inside so differently than I was led to believe I should be dealing with it based of the words of others. Though I did not handle it like others I did handle it, and I am no longer ashamed of my scars they have made me who I am today, and are etched into my body as living proof that God is bigger than anything. They show of a past where I suffered and dealt with pain by replacing it with more pain.. each scar tells of a sad, lonely girl, trying to fill up a void in her heart.

But my tattoo’s though scars as well, show of my present but most importantly of my future. They show of pain I have suffered and overcome.

My first tattoo covering up some of the very scars I was so ashamed of… instead of seeing my scars that often made others sad, now one sees “Pslam 19:14” and an Eagle in their stead. The verse reads “May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, my rock and my redeemer.” -Psalm 19:14 and the Eagle signifying that “those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:31 Both telling a story of how a once broken girl has hope for a brighter future when she puts the meditations of her heart in the Lord, which gives her wings to soar.

The next, telling a story of someone who loves others more than herself. Sometimes this can be weakness, while at other times it shows the awesome power of the love of God. I believe God’s love shines through, for I could not love the way I do without Him. “Greater love has no one than this, that one would lay down ones life for ones friend.” -John 15:13 This tattoo reminds me to always love others no matter the situation, for each person is God’s creation and therefore who am I to judge whether they are worthy of love or not? Jesus loved me enough to lay down his life for me, and the best I can do is try to love the way He calls me too. This tattoo reminds me of a time when I loved the opinions of others, the attention of others, and myself more than actually loving the other person for who they are and who they could be.

Next, I have an arrow. Though hard to see as if almost invisible, you simply just have to look past the surface for it because it is there in white ink. This one tells a story of remembering to stay positive. Sometimes it’s hard to see the positive in every situation but if you really try you can always find it. Just like an arrow you can not shoot backwards.. you cannot change the past.. All you can do is move and like an arrow keep moving forward. You may hit a bump or two, or even miss your target. The great thing about an arrow you can just pick it up and try again until you hit your target.

My last and most recent “Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine.” -Isaiah 43:1 in black with “Agape” in Greek (ἀγάπη) written in hidden ink within it. This tells the full story! Of someone who lived in fear and wandering in search of the next best thing, but ended up finding that God knows my name I am His. I found a God that knew my name a God who has an unconditional love for me, ἀγάπη. A God that loved me through it all, even though I couldn’t see Him during it all He was always there. It’s a reminder that no matter what I go through there is a God who calls me by my name, a God who has redeemed me, and a God that loves me unconditionally no matter what challenges the future holds.

So, yes my tattoo’s are scars.. scars that I have suffered and overcome leaving the permanent mark etched in me that God conquers all! A testament for me, a hope, and a future, but also for those who see them and need to hear the same message when they ask what they mean!

So I guess the quote would better read:

“Tattoo’s are like scars that you wear on the outside to show the pain that was once on the inside, but that has been overcoming. Leaving a mark for the future to come.”

#metoo

#metoo

Who knew two words could be so hard to say… something in everyday conversations comes so easily, but for this particular request it became very difficult. I found myself having typed it out only to delete it several times, and then sit there staring at the words debating should I post this or not.. would people believe me? Would someone think I was just following the trend, would someone who knew say oh she just wants attention by admitting that? Would I be seen differently?

Ignoring what others might say for a minute.. what did this mean for me though?

Admitting this… did I even have the strength, would it be worth it?

In admitting this, I admitted to myself how terrified I am to let other love me… I know what love looks like, but do I really know how to allow myself to be loved…

Allowing someone to love me has become one of the biggest struggles of my life, for fear that they’ll see the damage done… and that they won’t love that little girl that grew up too fast… that little girl that from a young age was taught how cruel the world really can be, that little girl that was still scared inside, the little girl learned the only way to not get hurt was to protect myself from feelings from emotion and from the closeness of everyone. Fear that if someone loves me they will just hurt me again, for years I have just been a scared little girl inside an adult body worried where the next pain would come from. The sad truth is that for years the only person I’ve been hurting is myself… in an effort to protect I sheltered myself from the good things too, from the healing that love can actually bring.

So really what I feel like I was admitting through this statement was that I am broken too… picking up the pieces 10 years later, and I don’t know what I’m doing.

But there is hope, hope in the fact that there is a God who loves me more than life itself… a God who sees no imperfection in me, a God who loves me unconditionally no matter what and no matter the cost, a God who can pick up the pieces and IS picking up my pieces. A God who says “fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1 “Since I am precious and honored in [his] sight, because He loves me.” Isaiah 43:4. He is a God that everyday is saying… screaming “allow me to love you,” because through my love the other love will come, and love changes everything. Never in my wildest dreams could I have realized that I was not allowing even the God that created me to love me, because I was so scared of being loved. I was scared to actually be good enough, to be worthy of a love that can never be fathomed.. scared of Agape!

The truth in all of this is that…

You are Unique- Psalm 139:13

You are strong- Psalm 18:35

You are Cared For- Ephesians 3:17,18,19

You are important- 1 Peter 2:9

You are protect- Psalm 121:3

You are Precious- 1 Corinthians 6:20

You are Beautiful- Psalm 45:11

And most importantly YOU ARE LOVED- Jeremiah 31:3

Looking through new lenses

Friday I almost caused my life to end, I destroyed friendships and for what?

I’ll tell you for what.. all because I couldn’t see the struggles inside of me fighting to come out and be dealt with. Since I was 12 never dealing with issues and just ignoring them till I didn’t feel them anymore seemed to be such an easy thing to do. The older I get the more daunting that task of never facing my struggles seems to get.

We hear so much about what society says people should be, but what about the church? I grew up in a world where a church told me who I was suppose to be… along with the world, and they never lined up. On one hand I had society telling me to I was never pretty enough, or skinny enough, because I didn’t look like models or my friends would stop hanging out with me because I wasn’t “cool” enough (does anyone really know what that even means). A world telling me from all directions that I am to be perfect on the outside on the surface. Yet on the other hand I had my church, telling me to be perfect all the time but this was not surface level perfection no this was inward perfect, because everyone around me always acted like they had it all together. If you came forward with your struggles like you are invited to every Sunday after sermon then you were one in a million, and half the church saw you as this imperfect person they didn’t want to be around. Then the other half saw you as a problem to be fixed… a way to make themselves feel better about the things they’ve done. Don’t get me wrong then you also had some that truly cared and genuinely were doing the right thing trying to help but…. then no one ever forgets.

Society tells me to be physically perfect, and a church that shows me I am to act like nothing is ever wrong, and that just like every other “perfect” Christian I have it all together and I’m not struggling.

But the thing is… I was.. I am… I struggle everyday to face the demons inside me. The demon that started when I was 13 when someone hurt me, and then said I was suppose to be better than that… because I was baptized in Christ so therefore I cannot make mistakes, and this mistake was my fault because I allowed it to happen. Believing this lie stuck with me… in all honesty it’s still with me to this day, and sadly it may always be in the back of my mind, but that doesn’t mean it can control me anymore. I struggled to share with my family or friends what had happened to me because I was told it was my fault and I knew it was wrong, so accepting the blame simply because someone told me made it near impossible for me to share. Because sharing meant I was admitting my imperfection and I wasn’t living up to who the church says I should be. Internalizing how imperfect I thought I was this would soon turn out to be the most dangerous road I could go down, because instead of resenting him for what he did to me, I resented myself for what I thought I had let happen. Taking the blame meant taking the anger that would come from it as well. For years I hated myself, thinking I deserved nothing, I deserved to be treated badly, and when anything bad did happen I would justify it or give myself a reason. I would make myself outwardly imperfect and injure myself to say “there you deserve to be treated like that because this who is you are… you are unworthy of love.”

For years I went through life trying to give myself a reason why I did not deserve to be loved, all because I thought I was imperfect, but really because I didn’t know how to love myself, and I didn’t know how to forgive myself..

Loving myself… that has been one of the biggest struggles of my life. Sounds so silly sometimes saying that, but it couldn’t be harder to admit. Forgiving myself for what happened, and admitting to myself that my fault or not it happened, and I have to forgive myself. In church we always talk about how God’s greatest command is to love… but how hard it is to admit that my biggest sin.. my biggest imperfection is that I don’t love myself, and I don’t know how. I can encourage others everyday, I can recite to them what God says they are loved, but when it comes to myself… I believed it was my own fault.. I believed those things couldn’t apply to me, simply because how do you wrap your head around the fact that there is a perfect God, who loves you by no reason of your own. The only reason He needs to love you is that you are His.

I thought for the past 2 years I had overcome this struggle, this lie inside of me that I had believed for years, in fact I just allowed the love of my friends to help me love myself, so in reality that hatred, that unwillingness to forgive was still inside of me it was just being masked by my friends love. I took a job where my boss, treated me the way I had treated myself for years, where everything was my fault, where I was never good enough, never worth anything, and always worked to dead. I didn’t realize the reason I stuck with it for 2 years was because it was easier to let someone else treat me the way I’d been treating myself. I realized it was unhealthy, so I figured just getting away from that job would be enough, but sadly not dealing with those resurfaced feelings from my past, not dealing with the fact I had let someone treat me the way I had thought I should be treated my whole life, not dealing with it.. would almost kill me, and scare my friends half to death. If there’s one thing I have mastered over the years.. I’ve mastered how to be seem happy and okay, even when inside I cannot even tell for myself that I’m dying inside.

Letting others love me has always been a struggle… even more so of a struggle because I struggle to love the person I see in the mirror, so I cannot understand why they would.. I push away everyone that loves me.. and for what? Because of what? All because I cannot see the good inside of me… I cannot see Jesus… I cannot see that I do deserve to be loved and not by others but that I deserve to love by myself..

I am not good, I am broken, I am shattered, and sometimes I make huge mistakes…

BUT He is good, He is a healer, He mends the broken, and He saves lives… I’ve realized it’s not about loving myself because that will come. It’s about the fact that I need to work on loving Him inside of me, because He is inside of me, and for no other reason than that… I am made in the image of a perfect God, it doesn’t mean I have to be perfect, but it does mean I have to love even the imperfect parts. If Jesus could come and willingly die for my imperfections then why can I not willingly love myself for the imperfect parts that Jesus took on and said these are mine, I take on these imperfections myself “it is finished”. If a perfect man could come and do that all because I was worth loving, then who am I to stand in the way…

I have realized that in order to love myself.. I cannot look through societies lenses and see only outward appearance, and I cannot look through the lenses of the church and see only inward perfection… No… I need to look through the lenses of God, the lenses that show love no matter what the outside is like, and no matter how broken and imperfect the inside maybe, because He can fix it, He can heal, and He forgives. But most importantly He IS LOVE…

A Letter to my Best Friend

There is a definitive moment in a person’s life where they become acutely aware of the fact that they found their soul mate. I’m not talking about the person they’ll spend the rest of their days waking up to each morning. I’m talking about that person you never knew would become your closest friend, because the first conversation you had with them was about minions. The one that brings out the 5 year old in you, so you can be 5 years old together. So, to that person who never lets age be a factor especially when it comes to minions:

Thank you for being you around me and for letting me be myself. Thank you for letting me be the worst of myself and the best of myself and for loving me anyways. Thank you for letting me be free to be whoever I wanted without having to pretend to be better, or anyone else but simply me. Thank you sharing in my happiest moments, and for genuinely being just as happy as I am. Thank you for listening to my saddest stories and being there for me through my most difficult trials, for seeing me at my absolute lowest point and still radiating compassion and empathy from wherever you are. Thank you for being the only person I ever want to confide in, and the person I know that it’s okay to need.

Thank you for being the most beautiful person, inside and out. Thank you for making the world a better place, just by being in it. Thank you for making colors a little brighter, sunshine a little warmer, and hugs a little better. Thank you for always seeing the best in me, and loving me and showing me a glimpse of unconditional love that only God could place in you. Thank you for defining selflessness; you are going to change the world just as much as you have changed mine.

Thank you for the laughs, for the cries, and for everything in between. Thank you for being my rock, my anchor; for keeping me grounded when I feel like I might otherwise blow away, or when I feel I cannot go on and like I will always be stuck in the same place. Thank you for all of the things you do from the biggest to even the smallest that you might thing insignificant, because I promise it meant the world to me. Thank you for knowing that my favorite thing is a minion and for knowing that even the simplest things make my heart soar. Thank you for always knowing what to say and for being one of life’s best teachers. Thank you for knowing that even a hug will make everything better. Thank you for making fun of me when I deserve it, and for loving me when I don’t. Thank you for staying constant in a world full of change, and for keeping some sense of being a child with me in a world full of chaos that says we are suppose to grow up.

Thank you for laughing as hard as I did at that stuff I randomly find on Facebook before bed. Thank you for making sure I didn’t get away from you even when I have tried to push you away. Thank you for setting the bar so high and making it impossible to find another friend as good as you. Thank you for making the four short months we have been friends feel like forever and for giving me enough memories to last a lifetime, but not ending there, memories that will continue for years to come. Thank you for making me hurt when I miss you, but for taking the hurt away when I see you. Thank you for loving me, and for never giving up on me even though I expected you to. Thank you for going above and beyond every expectation I ever thought I had. Thank you for being the very best gift God has ever given me in a friend. Thank you for being the gift that keeps on giving, for being that gift that there is not a single way I can try to say God doesn’t love me because He put the most incredible person I have ever met in my life, to show me His love and push me to be more like Him. Thank you for being my sister in Christ, and for doing Bible studies with me and for going and sitting out in mosquitoes that only you get bit by and spending an hour praying and spending time in God with me. Thank you for letting me steal you away from life every month to show you how incredible special of a human being you really are and how much you are loved. Most importantly thank you for trusting me enough to steal you away to even have the chance to do that. Thank you for breaking down every wall I put up around my heart to keep people out. Thank you for being there for me in a way no one else has where I was able to fully let you in. Thank you for being the first person in my life to do it, for being the first person that I hide nothing from, and come to you completely and as broken as I am, knowing you will hug me and tell me God will get me through this. Thank for always knowing I can do it, and I will always get through it. Thank you for always being by my side to learn with me and go through things with me, but thank you for always wanting to be by my side. Thank you for everything you have helped me overcome and will continue to help me overcome with the Lord.Thank you for a friendship that is built and constantly building on the Lord Jesus Christ because it is the greatest friendship I could ever imagine. Thank you for the absolute privilege and honor of being able to call you my best friend, thank you for being my person. Thank you for giving me these reasons, and a million more, to be thankful for.

Always and Forever,

Your Best Friend

I am Broken

I am guilty

Ashamed of what I’ve done, What I’ve become

These hands are dirty

I dare not lift them up

I’ve been hiding

Afraid I’ve let you down,

Inside I doubt

That You still love me

Hiding what I’ve been going through

If you look me right in the eye

Would you see the pain deep inside

Would you take the time to

‘Cause right now I need a little hope

I need to know that I’m not alone

But I’ve got doubts and questions too

Behind this smile I’m really just like you

Afraid and tired and insecure

I am just like everyone

What do you think about when you look at me

Before all my scars and all my secrets were in the light

I just let go

And I feel exposed

Cuz this is who I am

I’ve been such a mess

But now I can’t care less

I could bleed to death

I was so caught up

In who I’m not

Can you please forgive me?

You called my name

I turned away

But now I

Am listening

Spent today in a conversation

In the mirror face to face with

Somebody less than perfect

I wouldn’t chose me first if

I was looking for a champion

In fact I’d understand if

You picked everyone before me

But that’s just not my story

You plead my cause

You right my wrongs

You break my chains

You overcome

You gave your life

To give me mine

You say that I am free

Tell me what I need to hear

Tell me that I’m not forgotten

Show me there’s a God

Who can be more than all I’ve ever wanted

Maybe God is calling you tonight

To tell me something

That might save my life

Jesus I need You, I need Your love

To save my life

I wish we could go back to simpler times

It’s going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

But it’s so beautiful

True to who You are

You saw my heart

And made something out of nothing

I’m not meant to just stay quiet

I’m meant to be a lion

I’ll roar beyond a song

With every moment that I’ve got

He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,

His forever, held in treasure…

I am loved

Lord, I come, I confess

Bowing here I find my rest

Without You I fall apart

You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You,

Everyone hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more

Where grace is found is where You are

And where You are, Lord, I am free

Holiness is Christ in me

Though I fall, You can make me new

From this death I will rise with You

Oh the grace reaching out for me

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dream and I’ll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

Oh Lord I’m ready now

All the walls are down

Time is running out

And I wanna make this count

I ran away from you

And did what I wanted to

But I don’t wanna let you down

Lord I’m ready now

I don’t need my name in light

I’m famous in my Father’s eyes

Make no mistake

He knows my name

I’m not living for applause

I’m already so adored

It’s all His stage

Teach my song to rise to You

When temptation comes my way

And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You

Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

You know my name!

Words inspired by these songs: How Can It Be- Lauren Daigle

Save My Life- Sidewalk Prophets

Broken Together- Casting Crowns

Lord, I’m Ready Now- Plumb

He Knows My Name- Francesca Battistelli

and

Lord, I Need You- Matt Maher

Piece-By-Piece I Enjoyingly Gave Away Parts of Myself

Slowly my view of myself went from low to non-existent.

For years I believed horrible lies about myself, like that the events that had happened to me in my past were my fault, and I had taken all the guilt and burdened myself for years. As time continued I let myself be treated horribly by guys. I let them convince me that I had to do what they wanted to be a girl worth dating, and to be liked. My view of myself was so low that I was easily manipulated and I let guys walk all over me. I thought that I was worthless, and that since I had already made so many mistakes with guys that it didn’t really matter what I did anymore. The devil had such a strong hold over my thoughts that I didn’t see much hope in the future for myself. I hated the things I had done and who I had allowed myself to become and it was a constant battle to see any positive in myself. I believed that there was no possible way for anyone to love me the way that I was, and that I would never be good enough for any guy so I might as well just do what he wanted so they would like me.

I wanted to feel loved and like I mattered so desperately that I was willing to do whatever it took to feel that, and my self-esteem was so low that it wasn’t very hard for me to do things that I knew from growing up were wrong. Sometimes it’s hard for me to explain just how low I saw myself, and how little worth I felt was inside of me.

After 4 years of doing what guys wanted up to but not past the point of intimacy. I was home for the first time my freshman year of college for winter break, and I met a guy that was very sweet, and in a moment of feeling useless and unwanted by my family, I gave the biggest part of myself away to a guy that would never care. I had officially become what so many people had told me I was for a very long time. I beat myself up about it for a while, but then it became a habit. I had done it once so what was stopping me from continuing to sleep with other guys?

It went from 1 guy to 5 very quickly, and the worth I found in myself started to drop with every one. Every time was a piece of myself meant for my husband that I was freely and willingly giving away to other men that would never care. Hollywood glamorizes sex but they forget to talk about the not so fun side of it. The fact that once you realize you’ve given up a part of yourself that you can never get it back.

I grew up knowing right from wrong, but I also grew up constantly pushing the rules to try to prove to the rule makers which of there rules were good and worth following and which of them were not. The difference is my parent’s rules when broken had grounding or some form of punishment that went way after a while. Also there rules sometimes were not the best of rules but that’s how they wanted to run things, so the rules stayed until further notice.

However, God’s laws never change, and they are there to protect us. I did my fair share of pushing God’s rules to see which of them I could get away with without too many consequences, for example, lying I loved trying to get away with that. But, God set intimacy to be between a husband and wife, not because He wanted to make us have to wait, but because He knew how powerful that act of love is. He knew that doing it with the wrong person means consequence like heartache, and pain, and suffering for His people that He doesn’t ever want to see. With every guy I slept with I could feel myself pulling further and further away from the Lord, and I could also feel that I was slowly becoming a person that I didn’t recognize, a person that looked like a part of the world rather than a part of the Lord’s chosen people. The actions I was choosing became so difficult for me and made me feel like so little of a human being that after a while I started being super drunk before and after this act of intimacy. It turned into I was no longer even present during something that the Lord had created to be beautiful and treasured between a husband and wife.

For years I had tried to find myself worth in another human. In girl friends that I thought would make me look better, or in guys were I was turned into a sex object rather than a human being. Nothing I did ever made me feel any better about myself, because each moment was a fleeting one. I had given into this misconception that giving up my virginity and sleeping with guys would make me feel like someone cared. Yet when I thought I was pregnant the guy that I had slept with told me it was my problem not his. That moment that I had decided to pleasure myself and feel momentary worth didn’t even come close to worth it when I realized that he would never care about me, and how could I expect him to when I had cared so little about myself that I freely gave him a part of me.

After months of being stuck in the same hole going in a circle with alcohol, and guys, and trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Two girls that have been huge lights for Christ in my life found me in the hole where I was. God had been trying so hard to get my attention and show me that He was there the whole time, that He decided to bring in two of His disciples Kristen, and Christina.

Slowly they started to show me that there was a way out of the hole I was in but I was going to have to open my eyes to the incredible fact that The Lord was there in that hole with me trying to get me out the whole time. Through their actions, and the amazing power of the Lord I saw that my worth had not just left me, but that it was there the whole time I just had to stop and see it. In a book that I had possession of my entire life, was where I found the true worth inside of myself and the meaning of my life that I had been searching for, for so long.

In those pages I found a Father saying:

“You are Beautiful” – Psalm 45:11

“You are Unique” – Psalm 139:13

“You are Loved” – Jeremiah 31:3

“You are Special” – Ephesians 2:10

“You were created FOR a purpose” – Jeremiah 29:11

“You are Cared For” – Ephesians 3:17-19

“You are Lovely” – Daniel 12:3

“You are Precious” – 1 Corinthians 6:20

“You are Important” – 1 Peter 2:9

“You are Strong” – Joshua 1:6

“You are Forgiven” – Psalm 103:12

“You are Empowered” – Philippians 4:13

“You are Chosen” – John 15:16

“You are Family” – Ephesians 2:19

But most importantly I read that

“You are MINE” – Isaiah 43:1

I am all of those things, I am His, and He loves me no matter what I do and will never leave me. All the worth I had been searching for was right there the whole time. Although He couldn’t give me back the pieces I had given away, He could do something even more incredible. He could heal me! Those pieces that I had given away that had left a hole in my heart and in my sole He was able to heal with Himself. The Lord gave me a piece of Himself to heal the pieces in me that were missing. If you feel like you are not worth something you could never be more wrong. I have made many mistakes in my life but the one thing that stays the same is that the love and value that I hold in the Lord’s eye NEVER CHANGES. You are loved, and you were worth dying for!