Slowly my view of myself went from low to non-existent.
For years I believed horrible lies about myself, like that the events that had happened to me in my past were my fault, and I had taken all the guilt and burdened myself for years. As time continued I let myself be treated horribly by guys. I let them convince me that I had to do what they wanted to be a girl worth dating, and to be liked. My view of myself was so low that I was easily manipulated and I let guys walk all over me. I thought that I was worthless, and that since I had already made so many mistakes with guys that it didn’t really matter what I did anymore. The devil had such a strong hold over my thoughts that I didn’t see much hope in the future for myself. I hated the things I had done and who I had allowed myself to become and it was a constant battle to see any positive in myself. I believed that there was no possible way for anyone to love me the way that I was, and that I would never be good enough for any guy so I might as well just do what he wanted so they would like me.
I wanted to feel loved and like I mattered so desperately that I was willing to do whatever it took to feel that, and my self-esteem was so low that it wasn’t very hard for me to do things that I knew from growing up were wrong. Sometimes it’s hard for me to explain just how low I saw myself, and how little worth I felt was inside of me.
After 4 years of doing what guys wanted up to but not past the point of intimacy. I was home for the first time my freshman year of college for winter break, and I met a guy that was very sweet, and in a moment of feeling useless and unwanted by my family, I gave the biggest part of myself away to a guy that would never care. I had officially become what so many people had told me I was for a very long time. I beat myself up about it for a while, but then it became a habit. I had done it once so what was stopping me from continuing to sleep with other guys?
It went from 1 guy to 5 very quickly, and the worth I found in myself started to drop with every one. Every time was a piece of myself meant for my husband that I was freely and willingly giving away to other men that would never care. Hollywood glamorizes sex but they forget to talk about the not so fun side of it. The fact that once you realize you’ve given up a part of yourself that you can never get it back.
I grew up knowing right from wrong, but I also grew up constantly pushing the rules to try to prove to the rule makers which of there rules were good and worth following and which of them were not. The difference is my parent’s rules when broken had grounding or some form of punishment that went way after a while. Also there rules sometimes were not the best of rules but that’s how they wanted to run things, so the rules stayed until further notice.
However, God’s laws never change, and they are there to protect us. I did my fair share of pushing God’s rules to see which of them I could get away with without too many consequences, for example, lying I loved trying to get away with that. But, God set intimacy to be between a husband and wife, not because He wanted to make us have to wait, but because He knew how powerful that act of love is. He knew that doing it with the wrong person means consequence like heartache, and pain, and suffering for His people that He doesn’t ever want to see. With every guy I slept with I could feel myself pulling further and further away from the Lord, and I could also feel that I was slowly becoming a person that I didn’t recognize, a person that looked like a part of the world rather than a part of the Lord’s chosen people. The actions I was choosing became so difficult for me and made me feel like so little of a human being that after a while I started being super drunk before and after this act of intimacy. It turned into I was no longer even present during something that the Lord had created to be beautiful and treasured between a husband and wife.
For years I had tried to find myself worth in another human. In girl friends that I thought would make me look better, or in guys were I was turned into a sex object rather than a human being. Nothing I did ever made me feel any better about myself, because each moment was a fleeting one. I had given into this misconception that giving up my virginity and sleeping with guys would make me feel like someone cared. Yet when I thought I was pregnant the guy that I had slept with told me it was my problem not his. That moment that I had decided to pleasure myself and feel momentary worth didn’t even come close to worth it when I realized that he would never care about me, and how could I expect him to when I had cared so little about myself that I freely gave him a part of me.
After months of being stuck in the same hole going in a circle with alcohol, and guys, and trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Two girls that have been huge lights for Christ in my life found me in the hole where I was. God had been trying so hard to get my attention and show me that He was there the whole time, that He decided to bring in two of His disciples Kristen, and Christina.
Slowly they started to show me that there was a way out of the hole I was in but I was going to have to open my eyes to the incredible fact that The Lord was there in that hole with me trying to get me out the whole time. Through their actions, and the amazing power of the Lord I saw that my worth had not just left me, but that it was there the whole time I just had to stop and see it. In a book that I had possession of my entire life, was where I found the true worth inside of myself and the meaning of my life that I had been searching for, for so long.
In those pages I found a Father saying:
“You are Beautiful” – Psalm 45:11
“You are Unique” – Psalm 139:13
“You are Loved” – Jeremiah 31:3
“You are Special” – Ephesians 2:10
“You were created FOR a purpose” – Jeremiah 29:11
“You are Cared For” – Ephesians 3:17-19
“You are Lovely” – Daniel 12:3
“You are Precious” – 1 Corinthians 6:20
“You are Important” – 1 Peter 2:9
“You are Strong” – Joshua 1:6
“You are Forgiven” – Psalm 103:12
“You are Empowered” – Philippians 4:13
“You are Chosen” – John 15:16
“You are Family” – Ephesians 2:19
But most importantly I read that
“You are MINE” – Isaiah 43:1
I am all of those things, I am His, and He loves me no matter what I do and will never leave me. All the worth I had been searching for was right there the whole time. Although He couldn’t give me back the pieces I had given away, He could do something even more incredible. He could heal me! Those pieces that I had given away that had left a hole in my heart and in my sole He was able to heal with Himself. The Lord gave me a piece of Himself to heal the pieces in me that were missing. If you feel like you are not worth something you could never be more wrong. I have made many mistakes in my life but the one thing that stays the same is that the love and value that I hold in the Lord’s eye NEVER CHANGES. You are loved, and you were worth dying for!