Who knew two words could be so hard to say… something in everyday conversations comes so easily, but for this particular request it became very difficult. I found myself having typed it out only to delete it several times, and then sit there staring at the words debating should I post this or not.. would people believe me? Would someone think I was just following the trend, would someone who knew say oh she just wants attention by admitting that? Would I be seen differently?
Ignoring what others might say for a minute.. what did this mean for me though?
Admitting this… did I even have the strength, would it be worth it?
In admitting this, I admitted to myself how terrified I am to let other love me… I know what love looks like, but do I really know how to allow myself to be loved…
Allowing someone to love me has become one of the biggest struggles of my life, for fear that they’ll see the damage done… and that they won’t love that little girl that grew up too fast… that little girl that from a young age was taught how cruel the world really can be, that little girl that was still scared inside, the little girl learned the only way to not get hurt was to protect myself from feelings from emotion and from the closeness of everyone. Fear that if someone loves me they will just hurt me again, for years I have just been a scared little girl inside an adult body worried where the next pain would come from. The sad truth is that for years the only person I’ve been hurting is myself… in an effort to protect I sheltered myself from the good things too, from the healing that love can actually bring.
So really what I feel like I was admitting through this statement was that I am broken too… picking up the pieces 10 years later, and I don’t know what I’m doing.
But there is hope, hope in the fact that there is a God who loves me more than life itself… a God who sees no imperfection in me, a God who loves me unconditionally no matter what and no matter the cost, a God who can pick up the pieces and IS picking up my pieces. A God who says “fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1 “Since I am precious and honored in [his] sight, because He loves me.” Isaiah 43:4. He is a God that everyday is saying… screaming “allow me to love you,” because through my love the other love will come, and love changes everything. Never in my wildest dreams could I have realized that I was not allowing even the God that created me to love me, because I was so scared of being loved. I was scared to actually be good enough, to be worthy of a love that can never be fathomed.. scared of Agape!
The truth in all of this is that…
You are Unique- Psalm 139:13
You are strong- Psalm 18:35
You are Cared For- Ephesians 3:17,18,19
You are important- 1 Peter 2:9
You are protect- Psalm 121:3
You are Precious- 1 Corinthians 6:20
You are Beautiful- Psalm 45:11
And most importantly YOU ARE LOVED- Jeremiah 31:3